imagining the heavens

john f. marok   astronomer  48"x42" oil/canvas
 *****

in my world of making paintings, when i was in my 20's and 30's, i possessed a fuel that motivated my actions...the name of that fuel was desperation. i was desperate to see and feel the result of an action. if i had a desire to do something in a painting i would be doing it in the next possible instant. it was a need  for immediate gratification.  over time i have become less inclined to act immediately upon my desires. i have become, very gradually, more fascinated and compelled to observe my desires and to observe what happens as the energy that fuels the desire phizzles out, decays, changes into an other form of energy. not sure, at this point in my life, why i am doing this but i sense it has to do with not being satisfied with a cycle or process that i have come to know too well, has become habitual. currently, i am curious to allow for something to happen as opposed to making something happen.
i am wondering why i am thinking about making a certain choice, asking, "why do i desire to do this?"...and then not doing anything at all except just sitting, observing, seeing what happens next.

*****
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